American Idol

I'm so excited. I'm gonna be on American Idol! I didn't make it to Holywood, no, but they spent a lot of time interviewing me before and after my spectacular (at least I thought so) audition. I looked so good - I spent months preparing for this audition.

My best shiniest hair is in the back of my head, so I grew it out really long. I didn't want the judges to see me as some long-haired hippy, so I kept it short in the front.

I wore my american flag shirt that has 15 american flags on it, one for each of the stripes on the flag.

I flossed my teeth, which I usually dont' bother to do since the gaps between them are big enough to fit the bristles of my toothbrush.

I even lost 5 pounds over the past 6 months, brining me down to 245.

I looked great.

But Simon Cowell can suck my dick. That mother fucker wouldn't know tallent if it donkey punched him.